I waste so much time on Netflix

So I figured I should create a running list somewhere to keep track of it all:

Show’s I’ve finished:
Army Wives
Dawson’s Creek
How I Met Your Mother
Lost
Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Weeds

Show’s I’m almost finished with but am waiting until the soldier gets home to finish:
Revolution (Season 2 left)
Wilfred (Last three episodes left)

Shows I currently watch/need to catch up on:
Haven
Orange is the New Black
The Fosters
Mad Men
Parks and Recreation
Once Upon a Time
Continuum
The Night Shift
The L Word

Shows I would like to watch:
Gilmore Girls (Tomorrow!)
The Lottery (Once B gets home)
Fringe
Tin Man (with B)
Dr. Who (with B)
Revenge
Defiance

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So I guess it’s about time I should say this: The first two chapters.

So about nine months ago I posted about a possible love interest. It has blossomed into the most beautiful relationship. I’ve known him for over six years, since high school, long before the military. I love that. I love that I don’t need to explain my past or feel like I’m being judged for my past. He already knew my past and my awkward stage when our courtship started. We didn’t talk much in high school, he had a crush on me and was nervous around me. I might have been a tad aggressive back then. The first time I met him I had met up with another friend, M, in a parking lot across from my house. M was going to introduce me to his friend W to see if I had any interest in dating him. Since neither M nor W drove, B drove W to pick up M to go get lunch. Except, B, being B, decided to pretend like he was going to T-Bone my car. So I, being me, flipped him off before ever having met him. I had heard about him, that he was rough and tumble didn’t bother with the petty boys, and did his own thing, a suburban cowboy of sorts. So I met fire with fire. We talked occasionally on AIM (oh, remember that? I actually still have all our old chats saved). He was sweet, not pushy or gross like the other teenage boys.

Fast forward a few years to college. I got a ride from my ex (ex A), B’s roommate, from my school back to our hometown. I actually ended up making the final break up with my on-again off-again boyfriend from the end of high school (Ex N). On the ride home after break, we made a stop at their college (about halfway to mine) where we all got drunk, played beer pong, quarters and then spin the bottle. B and I made out multiple times that night. I remember thinking “Did I just kiss B?”. Ex A wasn’t super happy with how that night turned out even though we weren’t at all a thing, and hadn’t been for years I might add. He told me I was no longer allowed at their place after he dropped me back off at my dorm. So neither B or I wanted to mess with ex A. A few more years go by without exchanging a single word. Or me dating anyone. That kiss stuck with me though. So did his car. Did I mention I have a thing for remembering peoples cars?

Anyway, three years to the day of our first kiss and B randomly messaged me. It also happened to be the day before Thanksgiving. He was feeling a little homesick and was trying to get a group together for when he came home on leave. I knew from that day I was going to fall madly in love with him. I tend to get that way, I know when something is going to be serious from the first few moments. I had gone on a few dates during those three years but nothing promising, until B messaged me. I waited a month to see him. A few days after Christmas I drove two hours to spend four days with him. They were the most magical four days. When it came time for him to return to Uncle Sam, I drove him back to our hometown. We stayed together one final night at my apartment before his early morning flight the next day. There was a MASSIVE snow storm and luckily I had just bought my 4×4 a few months prior. We knew we had a long road ahead of us, but we had no idea what we had in store. Falling in love from a distance has cultivated a foundation of trust and communication. We know we are serious about this relationship. We know we are in it for the long haul. It’s been eight and a half months since I’ve seen him. We’ve been dating eight and a half months and I’ve seen him one day of that. I’ve known him over six years, and in the last almost four, I’ve seen him four days. We don’t know when he will be home next, but we are nearing the end of this.

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Power

So my power is out. I kind of forgot what that means. No wifi, no charging my almost dead computer, no tv, no vacuuming, no lights to read, no microwave or toaster to make lunch. What else is there in life besides netflix, reading and food? I thought about finally bringing my sewing machine to my new apartment, but its no good without power. I thought about needlepointing, but its a pretty dreary day and I have no lights. Not to mention I have poor eyes, so that’s out. Luckily my phone is fully charged and I have had cookies. So yes, I’m on my phone. Excuse the typos. I could take a nap I guess.

I want to write. Honestly though, the power going out is the most exciting thing that ever happens to me. How am I supposed to write anything worthwhile like this.

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Art.

Art is a form of expression. I have desperately wanted to be heard my entire life. I have felt a little bit like one of Peter Pan’s lost boys. I would love to create art and be recognized for it. I’ve just always felt so lost, like my identity has never really found me. I’ve tried looking. I really have. The thing I keep coming back to is wanted to be recognized for something I create. The thing is, that’s what every artist wants, right? There are a million and one artists out there struggling for the same. I don’t even have a set craft. A set style. I have a lack of inspiration. Every time I try to put pencil to paper or needle to thread or glue to paper… everything goes blank. It’s like I have no vision. I feel like I do… but it’s somehow trapped. Hiding. I just take an interest in everything, animals, genetics, crafts, food, learning, the list goes on. I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I guess I feel like expressing myself creatively is the one way I can find my identity.

life.

I am starting a new job. I signed my papers on Monday, the 27th. Except it’s something I could have done out of high school, and I’m getting paid diddly. I’m not really sure what’s going on though. I don’t know. I’m listening to old music. Music I love. Music I haven’t heard in a very long time. I watched the Matrix today. No other movie can compare. I just feel like I’m missing something. Life just doesn’t seem to add up anymore. I’ve always been a student. That is all I have ever known. I love it. I’m good at it. And frankly- I don’t know where else to turn. This is terrifying for me. I feel like I need something to hold on to and I feel like I’m grasping at straws. I’ve pretty much only eaten ice cream (sweet… just deleted a whole bunch of words…) and cookies today which is awesome (not). I feel like I’m going to gain all my weight back. I feel like my life is falling apart beneath me. I have no plan or idea of what I want my life to look like. It’s all empty. I’ve always had everything planned out for me. Private, all girls, catholic high school (my choice of which one…sort of), college (duh)… and now it’s up to me and I realized I am incapable of making any decision. I’m paralyzed. I don’t know where to turn next. I don’t know how to do this next stage of my life. I had professionals helping me decide and get into college, but no amount of professional help has helped me with what to do now. I honestly don’t know how to do this. I have no interests. I have no dreams for my life, other than to be happy and have a stable income (that seems impossible right about now). School has been my life, and I didn’t even know what I was working towards with school. I sort of feel like my heart is rotting and crumbling to dust. All I ever want to do is cry. Everything just feels impossible right now. I feel like I am trudging through molasses for now reason other than to waste time and distract me until I die.

More life planning

I get bored with my life easily. The best way for me to combat this is to really bury myself in something. Some people do this with work, others with their family, and others with a hobby. My problem is that I love everything, but I get bored with it quickly. There are educational, physical, and crafty things that I love. Educational would be mostly school, but also some reading and a few other things, like researching grad school and jobs and creating a budget. Then the physical would be stand up paddleboarding, working out, kayaking, rock climbing, camping, hiking, bicycling, skateboarding (I would like to be clear that I cannot skateboard or ride a bike really- but I pretend). But then comes winter, and most of those things are put on a stand still and I dive into something else. Like crafting- baking, needlepoint, knitting, making my own clothes, crochet (ok I don’t really have this down…) whatever I find on pinterest. And I love it, all of it. But I don’t really have time to completely throw myself into it all if I’m working and attempting to maintain a social life, keeping house, and spending time with my boyfriend. I know I an good at crafting, and I have a business degree (well, I will in a month) and I could make it work, if I really got my shit together and kept working while I got my feet on the ground. The main issue is how slow I am, partly because I’m a perfectionist, but there are plenty of professionals I have worked with even though they are significantly slower than the competition because their work is so good and they are good people. The city I’m moving to will actually be a really good city for that.

It is just all so much to balance and I feel like I am juggling so many things and I’m just one wrong blink away from it all crashing down around me.

I want to help people, I want to make an impact in their lives. But I also want to enjoy my life, and I want to spread that joy to others.

I care too much about what other people think of me.

There. I said it. I do.

The thing is, I don’t know what to do about it. So many things.

The way I dress- I constantly wonder what the way I dress says to others, what they are conveying about me, wondering if they are telling people what I want them to see about it. When I buy clothes I wonder if they are the proper thing to buy based on how I think others will convey they and whether or not I feel that lines up to who I am. I want my clothes to represent me well. But sometimes I struggle to even know how I want to be represented because I am so multi-faceted. This goes for my shoes, glasses, sunglasses, purse, jeans, etc. I have one purse that I love and always wear, it is simple, not extremely feminine and slightly unusual. It’s a little, black leather, cross-body purse that fits my iPhone 4s (with otterbox), my wallet (smaller than my phone) and a tube of chapstick. Usually I swap out my phone for my keys (can’t really fit all three) and put my phone in my back pocket. I wear basic flip flops in the summer and during the winter I wear my sperrys. I have a very Steve Jobs approach to things and usually end up wearing the same hoodie and jeans to class every day. I loved wearing a uniform in Catholic school.

The hobbies I keep- I was on tech crew in high school and loved working with power tools. I also loved and was really good at needlepointing in high school. I also dabbled in knitting and sewing. As a kid I loved sciency stuff. I also dabbled in electric guitar (but gave up once I realized I was tone deaf and could not keep rhythm to save my life), Catholicism (thankfully that didn’t last), photography, the Sims (that was less dabbling and more something I devoted weeks on end to), running, tennis, dating, cooking, baking, veganism. Ya know… like everything and anything. But now I’m conflicted, I love working out and making my body strong. I like being seen as strong and aggressive and someone you don’t want to mess with. I like demanding people’s respect like that. But I also love crafting and doing sweet, romantic, girly things for my boyfriend. If I have kids, I want to be the kind of mom that is so loving and will make her kids cookies and will snuggle with them and love them. I want to put my kids over having the laundry done or keeping the kitchen spotless. Although, I would REALLY love to be able to do it all. Which is why I am pushing myself to get good at all of that now. But I want people to see me as approachable, and caring and a good person who has a lot of fun.

You know. I think I’m doing alright. I have a boyfriend who loves me and supports me more than any person ever has before. I have a cat that I live with that I love so much, despite him being a huge pain. I am smart and strong and quirky and loving and I have a plan for my future that I am so excited for. The sun is shining, I have a full belly, and I have people who love me. The only thing that could make this better is laying in my boyfriends arms all warm and cozy under clean sheets.

Family. Love. Life. Sort of…

So I am slowly realizing what I want in my life and how I want my life to look. This is fantastic! I am great at making my dreams come dream, but I suck at realizing what my dreams are. What I want most in life is to be happy, to share my happiness with those I love, to be true to myself and to have a career where I help others, and help them find their happiness.

As I have touched on, I can be very solitary. I don’t want this anymore. I want friends, I want friends that I can gossip and snuggle with and lean on in hard times. I want friends that I can goof off with, be myself around, and share my life with. This takes a lot of effort on my part because it doesn’t come naturally. Also, I have some trust issues. I don’t like people knowing my business.

Another area where I need to work on because of this is my family. My sister and I do not get along so for now, I am putting that on the backburner and working on things with my parents. My parents aren’t very warm and fuzzy. They are conservative, critical, and not very accepting. I am definitely the black sheep of the family and that never really fit into their plan for me.

I don’t like the relationship I currently have with them. I depend on them for too much and I feel like we still have a parent/child relationship as opposed to a parent and adult child relationship. I feel they don’t respect my ability to make my own decisions about my life. I feel I have to hide who I truly am around them, even what I have shown them I feel they don’t fully approve of. How can I have the relationship I want with them if I can’t be myself around them? And what happens if I do become myself around them… I’ve never done that, I don’t quite know how. Once they have seen who I am, I can’t un-show them that, and what if they treat me even worse than they do now?

Not to mention, I don’t really like the people that they are. The parts of me that I don’t like about myself I get from my dad, and I don’t like being around him when that side of him comes out. I don’t like being reminded that I have an impatient, cynical and overly critical side that is just downright mean. I don’t want to tell him what I am planning for my life and career because I don’t want to hear what he has to say about it. He’s already told me that professors only teach because they have failed in the real world. Did I mention my mom is a professor? I know he already considers me on the fast track to failure, but I’d rather not be reminded of it. I don’t think I am failing, in fact I am proud of the direction my life is headed, but who needs that negative energy?! It just feels like every time something amazing and exciting happens in my life that I become passionate about he has something negative to say. That I can’t do it, or that I’m not good enough to do it well enough, or that it must be some mistake. Maybe I should just work on my relationship with my mom…

She can be fun, and a bit more loving and understanding. But she is also cynical, selfish, and judgmental. I know she supports my career choices and autonomy fully. She is not as supportive of me moving away. She is also not as supportive of who I am as a person. My aunt and cousin are though. Our relationship is much more complicated though.

Birthday Bliss

I know. I’m horrible at keeping up at things. The thing is, these last three months have literally flown by. Today is actually my birthday (so cut me a break?) That boy I was talking about is now my boyfriend, and an amazing one at that. I’m the type of person that will only date someone I see a very strong future with, so I think long and hard before dating someone. That might explain why I’ve been single the last three years. I have pretty high standards, and I love being alone. He meets all of my standards and then some, and I enjoy being with him more than I enjoy being alone. He’s goofy and fun and he likes that side of me (and I feel comfortable being that way with him) and he is so sweet to me. He treats me the way my mother always said I should be treated but never thought was possible. But he’s also a bit rough and tumble and strong and a little sarcastic and very stubborn. He is so handsome and has this amazing smile, it makes him look so happy. He also has ridiculously soft hair. The problem is, I haven’t seen him in two months. He lives 1500 miles away and is in AIT (the army) and I am in school. I have more freedom than he does, but I don’t really have the money to fly down there, pay for the 2 hour shuttle from the airport to the post, and then pay for the hotel, and I don’t have enough time to drive 48 hours in one weekend and still see him for more than a little. The good thing is, with the distance we are learning to work through our challenges together and we are creating a very solid foundation for later years. He should be out of training by the summer, so that’s only a few more months. I am just so lucky that I get to talk to him every day and that I get to facetime with him occasionally.

February has just been a crazy month for us, my birthday is today, his birthday was last week and valentine’s day was the week before that. Valentines day he had access to his computer so we both ordered dinner (the plan was to both do chinese, since that’s how I spent all my single valentine’s days, but he couldn’t get chinese so he went with pasta) and skyped while we were eating, then we both watched Bandits with Bruce Willis on Netflix. It was hysterical and we texted the whole time. We love watching movies together like that. We just watched Side Effects while facetiming, we both got distracted occasionally making faces at each other. I hope to keep this Valentine’s tradition for years to come, I’m not big on the whole fancy thing, it’s supposed to be a day to celebrate your love, and what better way than to be alone with him doing what we love? Our anniversary will be a blowout any way!

Our anniversary is New Years, so March 1st we will have been dating 2 months, it feels like he’s always been a part of my life, but it also seems like it has completely flown by! Which is good, because being away is hard on both of us.

One day I will do a post on how we started dating! It’s quite adorable.

Anyway, that’s things on the boys front. Life is just changing so dramatically all the time. I have grown so much through college and I am almost done. I actually have a bit more of a plan for my life now, which I will post an update on soon, and I have my soldier, who has been the most supportive in this process.

Hope all is well everyone! Two of my classes actually got cancelled, so that’s a great birthday! My 17th birthday and my 21st were probably my best, although they were both pretty sad- nothing awful happened and I had some friends by my side. This year will be good, but I have a feeling next year will be amazing!

New is exciting, New is terrifying

***I wrote this on my phone and tried publishing this a while back, but it must not have gone through. My apologies for the delay***

I was holding off on writing this because I wanted to see where things went before writing about it. But I think I need to sort things out before things progress further and writing usually helps. Forgive me, I’m in a bit of a rush and on my phone- typos will abound!

So in highschool I dated many guys in the same friend group but there are a few I didn’t really get to know.

The day before thanksgiving one of them messaged me. Somehow we’ve pretty much been talking non-stop since. I feel myself thinking about him and wanting to talk to him more, but I am very scared. We seem to be heading towards dating, but I can tell my judgement is clouded by him. Not that dating him would be bad, it would be fantastic. It just means a lot would change. I am scared if I keep going this way in a haze I will lose site of myself and become completely absorbed in him. I like my old rational self where I want to be on my own, but I’m kind of getting swept off my feet. What if I’m rushing things?

What if I get bored with him? What if he hurts me? What if I hurt him? Am I ready to give up being single? It’s just the weirdest feeling, I haven’t felt this way since, well shit since high school maybe freshman year of college. I just feel like I’m in such a haze when I think about him and talk to him that I’m scared I’m missing something. I don’t want to overthink this but I want to stay myself. I don’t want to become that lovey dovey girl in a relationship, I don’t want to stop gossiping about hot celebs with my friends, I don’t want to grow soft or dependent on him- or anyone. I don’t want to change for him but I feel like that just happens on its own. I already notice myself getting my work done during the day so I can talk to him when he gets home. I notice myself wanting to push my workouts harder to try and keep up with him.

I just need to breathe and stay calm and if it’s meant to work out it will, and if not, it’s for the best if it doesn’t. For now I am just trying to enjoy it while it happens!

So I did find out he’s about a foot taller than me (I haven’t seen him in a couple years- how did I not remember this?!). Ok, so it’s not a bad thing, but it’s just throwing me off. Lately I’ve been really attracted to shorter dudes, like 5’8 and I’ve always been preferential to brunettes with a 5’oclock shadow. He’s a super tall, blonde and I’m not sure how his facial hair grows. It’s not bad it’s just really confusing me, I never thought I would be interested in someone like him and it’s kind of scary stepping out of my box this much. Frankly liking any one would be stepping out of my box a lot at this point. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been interested in someone whose interested in me and it’s exciting and terrifying.

This is all so overwhelming and new to me. I don’t know how to process his sweet messages or even the idea of being physical with him, it’s intimidating and overwhelming and I’m scared I’ll embarrass myself. I’m even more scared that I will push him away because I’m just too scared and don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want that to happen.

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